Bluescreen: Top Five Sol Replacements

Sol Trujillo's impending return to the United States wasn't exactly a well-kept secret. Heck, it wasn't a secret at all, with most media pundits only debating the exact question of when, not if the man with the bushiest moustache in telecommunications* would take the golden parachute early exit option. At least now that it's official (Trujillo has announced he is quitting the joint in June), Aussies can edit his Wikipedia entry without fear of legal reprisal.

But now the chase is on. Who will be the next Telstra CEO? It can't be an easy job for the board, which simultaneously has to maintain shareholder "value" while being aware that any eventual candidate is likely to be the third least popular person in the country**.  The board's also not giving itself that much time to appoint a successor. The official release notes that:

"The Board, through its Nomination Committee, is well prepared with succession planning and will now formally commence a wide-ranging search for a suitable successor.  The Board expects to make an appointment by 30 June 2009."

Given that any interview takes time, and then the eventual new candidate will have to give up their valuable job flipping burgers and give notice, the board's on a strict schedule. Undoubtedly, billions of column inches will be dedicated to analysis of the in-house and easily poached candidates from within Australia, but what really caught Bluescreen's attention was the phrase "wide-ranging" search. This got Bluescreen thinking about some out-of-the-box candidates, and why they might be perfect for the Telstra CEO gig.

Candidate #1:
Almost anyone from Sesame Street
Why they're perfect for the job:
So many candidates to fill the different roles of the job. The aliens love going "brrrrrring!" a lot, which is a great advertising hook and a great way to shut journalists up at a press conference. The Count can count all the money, and Oscar the Grouch can issue the grumpy press releases bemoaning whatever it is Optus is doing right now. Critically, though, they're all puppets, and therefore easy for the board to control.
Why they're not perfect for the job:
Given that description above, Bluescreen frankly isn't sure that they're not already running Telstra from behind the scenes.

Candidate #2:
Bill Gates
Why he's perfect for the job:
Possibly more experience with Monopolies and releasing products nobody wants than anybody else on the planet. Could use the exposure, as since stepping down at Microsoft he's taken on a distinctly cuddlier edge, leaving all the hatred to Ballmer. Also understands the art of really ugly products -- see Zune, Windows Mobile, Seinfeld Ads, etc.
Why he's not perfect for the job:
Even with Microsoft's share price dipping due to the global financial crisis, he's probably still worth more than Telstra's entire network. Might also have "his own ideas" -- a dangerous quantity in a CEO. Critically, lacks the moustache for the job.

Candidate #3
Emperor Palpatine
Why he's perfect for the job:
Displays eminently suitable attitude towards politicians and critics alike, frying with force lightning regardless. At the same time, he may present a more "family friendly" image than Sol did. Has a keen interest in technology and especially laser-based broadcasting technologies*** which fits with the wide-ranging brief Telstra seems to have these days. Also, the title of "Emperor" sits well with the board's use of language such as "successor".
Why he's not perfect for the job:
Well, being dead might be seen as something of a hindrance. On a more practical level, he's from a galaxy far, far away, and Next G coverage out there is patchy, so we hear.

Candidate #4:
Steve Jobs
Why he's perfect for the job:
Three words: "Cult of Personality". Also "reality distortion field", which is a technology Telstra often seems to apply to its own pronouncements on an alarmingly regular basis.
 Also, he's apparently a workaholic, and having stepped down from his Apple role, he's bound to have time on his hands.
Why he's not perfect for the job:
He's not that well right now, and pressing one of Telstra's admittedly ugly ZTE handsets into his hands might be enough to tip this aesthete over the edge.

Candidate #5
Bluescreen
Why he's perfect for the job:
Bluescreen's made no secret of the fact that it's happy to be bought and paid for, and has previously expressed interest in the NBN, while not being entirely serious. This reflects Telstra's attitude to the NBN to perfection. As far as Bluescreen can see, getting paid ludicrous sums is pretty much exactly what the Telstra CEO does. Plus, Bluescreen has far more experience losing mobile phones that the previous CEO, who was frankly an amateur at losing things. Bluescreen also owns no Telstra shares, so has no hidden agenda.
Why he's not perfect for the job:
 Bluescreen owns no Telstra shares, so it's not like it's his money he'd be risking. Also has a noted penchant for guffawing in cartoon villain style, which might be tricky at press conferences. Bluescreen is also an Australian citizen, which seems to be an automatic disqualification.

Alex Kidman gazes deeply into the inane world of big tech for APC. Sometimes it gazes back.  In other words, it's satire... we take no responsibility for your kernel crashing.



* According to industry research figures that Bluescreen has just this minute invented.
** Bluescreen leaves it up to your imagination to fill the top two slots.
*** Little known fact: Prior to blowing up Alderaan, the Death Star was used for broadcasting episodes of "I Love Lucy". Little known, naturally, because Bluescreen just made it up.