Fake Phil Schiller: what Apple has in store for 2009

Bluescreen finds it somewhat amusing that in a world economy that's tanking, Apple seemingly can't keep hold of Jobs, but have instead shifted the job of hyping up Apple's results and new products to someone whose position ("Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing", because there's nothing that American companies love more than convoluted titles*) involves a fair amount of shilling. Now, what was his name again? Oh, right....



Anyway, your favourite journalist** spared no expense whatsoever*** in tracking down this anonymous and somewhat reticent Apple executive, and then interviewing him extensively about Apple's upcoming Macworld 2009 plans.

Now, there's a big challenge here; the legendary "Apple Does Not Comment On Rumours Or Speculation" barrier that's hard-baked into executives behind the scenes in Cupertino. It takes many shots of Vodka, not to mention a bath in flaming Sambuca with a wire brush to wear down this near impenetrable shield, which makes Bluescreen wonder two things. Firstly,  if his liver will ever be the same again, and secondly why Apple's bothered with Unibody Aluminium Macbooks at all, when they've got a far tougher coating on their executives to begin with.

In any case, once sufficiently lubricated, Bluescreen set about subtly dropping product names in front of this particular semi-lucid gentleman. Here's the recorded notes of that conversation, as best Bluescreen can decipher them the day after. There were photos to accompany them, but take Bluescreen's word for this -- a senior vice president cavorting strangely in a pair of Windows Vista boxing shorts is not an attractive sight****.

iPhone Nano
This drew a frenzy of giggling, followed by the revelation that while Apple's had a mockup of the Nano for months -- even going so far as to let the size slip to certain case manufacturers "just to mess with folks' heads" -- they're bypassing that "totally, dude".

"We're (hic!) going with the iPhone Shuffle instead. No screen, so it's cheaper for us to make each one. You shake it, and it randomly calls somebody each time. Phone companies love it... lotsa' money there. No screen also means you can't tell when the Apps crash, either."

Bluescreen interjected to ask what was in it for the customers, and was told "EXPLETIVE the customers... they're used to getting EXPLETIVED by the Telcos anyway, so why should this be any different?"

iMac
"No you're not. You're not even a PC! (indecipherable noise, which may be a burp). Yeah, we've all got new iMacs with flexible screens, but don't tell anyone, 'kay?"

Quad-Core Macbook Pro
"Thassa type of bike, isn't it? Oh, Macbook Pro? Big bugger, right? Lotsa profit? Yeah, those are ready to roll, but we're just trying to work out where to fit them, price wise. Do we hurt the fans, or really, really hurt them?"

Snow Leopard
"Where? Hide! They're bloody dangerous creatures, those!"

Mac Home Server
"Microtho... so.... Ballmer's Boys.... those guys... anyway, they sold about three copies of Windows home server last year, right? Well, anything they can do, we can do better. And we already have... sold two Apple TVs worldwide, one to Steve, and the other to... Steve.

Y'know... Wozzhisname... oh, yeah, Wozniak. Two's more pathetic than three, right?

Anyhoo, Apple TV 2.0 will have home server capability, but only with existing Macs, to keep the profit margins up. And the Steves can update the 2.0 models for a $200 fee, to keep up with Sarbann.... Oxx...y'know, that thing we quote in order to grab a chunk more change out of the punters.."

Mac Mini Refresh
"What's one of those?"

(Bluescreen then brings up the Apple Store homepage, while it's still up, to show off the Mac Mini)


"Nahhhh.. that's a fake, surely? I don't remember those at all..."


iNetbook
This one drew even more blank stares. Showing the Apple chap a few samples from Eee, HP and Dell didn't help. It seemed to be a problem that every time we mentioned "Notebook" his inebriated ears would perk up, but as soon as we said "cheap" a reflexive "nonononononono!" escaped his lips, along with, by this stage, a fair quantity of drool. After three attempts to get past the "budget" barrier, his eyes rolled sideways in his sockets, and he crashed face first into the pub floor, at which point Apple executive forces ("The Men In Stylish Black") dragged him away and started feeding him coffee and company propaganda in preparation for the keynote.

Alex Kidman gazes deeply into the inane world of big tech for APC. Sometimes it gazes back.  In other words, it's satire... we take no responsibility for your kernel crashing.


* Probably because it's cheaper to give someone a silly big title (and new business cards) than a pay rise
** Well, Bluescreen's favourite journalist, anyway.
*** This is at least functionally true. No expenses were incurred, anyway. That's the same thing, right?
**** When a semi-naked senior executive offers to "show you his Newton", look away.