Alex Kidman08 July 2008, 1:00 PM
Bluescreen | Can't afford an iPhone, or don't have time to stand in a queue? We have all your iPhone worries sorted, and at a bargain price.
Bluescreen ponders many great things. What exactly young children see in Go Diego Go, and whether Diego is borderline retarded. Why Kevin Rudd reminds Bluescreen of Orinoco Womble. And why Bluescreen has such an inconveniently large mortgage*, and what can be done to fix that.
Thankfully, as PT Barnum apparently didn't say, there's one born every minute, and based on the fact that people are already camping out in the United States for the 3G iPhone, Bluescreen reckons that an inordinate amount of those "ones" are in that queue.
It is, at the end of the day, just a phone, and having one first usually entails having the glory of the first run of bug fixes, finding out exactly how quickly the screens can get scratched or the batteries leak acid onto your groin, not to mention all the glory of being on the news as the first person stabbed in line. We don't know for sure, but we're willing to bet that a portable suture kit doesn't come as standard in the box**.
Still, it's hard to argue with the proposition that Apple's coffers will be swelling rather enthusiastically later this week -- and presumably they might be nice enough to give Steve Jobs his dollar for a job well done -- and where there's money to be made, Bluescreen wants some of it to help cover the mortgage and petrol bills.
And that's when a thought struck Bluescreen***. There's bound to be shortages, as well as plenty of people who would desperately like the rather sad social cachet that comes with having an iPhone, say,
on your next plane flight. Anyway, if you fit that bracket, you know exactly who you are. As such, Bluescreen reckons there's a great little captive market in fake iPhones, both for social status, but more importantly, for the ethically unsound resale market on eBay.
But what should Bluescreen make a fake iPhone out of? There's a couple of obvious candidates, and a few that Bluescreen experimented with. We've recorded our observations, and whether you're likely to get away with it, below:
Product:1st Generation iPhone
Pros: Actually does work as a phone, looks fairly identical.
Cons: Still comparatively expensive, have to stab someone to get one (or get fleeced on eBay for one).
Verdict: A poor choice -- you may as well stab a 3G iPhone owner****
eBay Profit Rating: 1/5
Product: iPod Touch
Pros: Bluescreen actually got stopped by someone in the street yesterday while fiddling with an iPod Touch; they got all excited because "
That guy's got a 3G iPhone". Clearly, the subterfuge works. Either that, or the average person in the street is really dumb.
Cons: Still relatively expensive, and tough to explain away the lack of phone features.
Verdict: Still too costly...
eBay Profit Rating: 2/5
Product: Apple Newton
Pros: Has Apple branding.
Cons: Looks nothing like the iPhone. Clearly, Bluescreen will have to put up some fake eBay pictures. Plus, the Newton almost has collectible value, and thus would cost too much to procure in bulk.
Verdict: Good in theory, poor in execution. Rather like the Newton itself, really.
eBay Profit Rating: 3/5
Product: Microsoft Zune
Pros: Can be had dirt cheap, has a kinda similar looking screen, has WiFi
Cons: A lot of effort to scratch out the wacky Zune logo, and pop an Apple sticker on top. At which point, apparently, it can legally run OS X*****
Verdict: Bluescreen may have to explain to buyers why the iPhone suddenly comes in brown. And then leg it.
eBay Profit Rating: 3/5
Product: Early Microsoft Smartphone, say, running Pocket PC 2002
Pros: Is actually a phone, can be had dirt cheap
Cons: An extraordinarily poor phone. Might even be considered a form of cruel and unusual punishment to sell these.
Verdict: Bluescreen will need to talk up how it can be "improved" via the "app store". And then leg it.
eBay Profit Rating: 3.5/5
Product: Miniature Etch-A-Sketch
Pros: Cheap, readily available. Pretty easy to re-spray in black or white, and it's entirely made of plastic, just like the 3G iPhone.
Cons: Have to tell the punters to "charge it for 24 hours" as it "comes with the battery flat". And then leg it.
Verdict: The perfect fake iPhone, at least until the Chinese manufacturers start making iPhone clones. What do you mean, they already are?
eBay Profit Rating: 5/5
*Because Bluescreen was stupid enough to buy in the Sydney housing market, that's why.
** We could be wrong. There's still time, Apple!
*** Contrary to popular opinion, Bluescreen does think. Just not all the time.
**** Bluescreen does not genuinely condone stabbing, theft, online fraud or similar, for those who are in fact humour impaired.
***** It's true! Apple only requires "Apple labelled" to meet its requirements. And OS X comes with an Apple sticker in the box. Makes you think, doesn't it?