Top 10 things NOT to do with Google Street View

Google, is, of course, keen to promote its alternately brilliant new technological marvel/first steps towards George's Orwell's 1984-esque Street View technology, which it launched for Australian users this week.

As part of that launch, it sent out a list of "suggested things" to do with Street View to Journalists, in order to get them hyped up about the launch.

Silly Google. That whole "Do No Evil" motto does it no good here -- everybody knows that journalist's excitement isn't engaged with facts, but greased instead with expensive lunches, junkets*, and big cheques made out from whichever company the readers reckon we're in the pocket of this week. If Bluescreen had ten bucks for every time he's been accused of being on either the Microsoft or Apple payroll, he'd be a rich man. And presumably on the payroll of somebody with lots of $10 bills to spare.

Anyway, Google tried the old fashioned approach of actually detailing what it is the Street View product does -- as if anyone actually reads product manuals any more -- and it struck Bluescreen that even the ideas that Google came up with were, to put it nicely, a bit naive. Let's examine them in detail:

1.   Explore parts of Australia you've always wanted to visit, from tourist attractions, CBDs to the most remote areas.

Unless the remote areas are in Darwin, of course. Google seemingly thinks that "remote Australia" equals "most of Victoria". Being Sydney based, Bluescreen can kind of see Google's point, but still...

2.  Preview your holiday accommodation and see how close it is to the beach and transport.

And by "close to transport" we mean "if there was a large truck parked outside, you'll see nothing". Plus, isn't the whole point of Street View that it's meant to be somewhat anonymous?

3. Show your overseas or interstate friends and family where you live and work.

Because showing people you've met on the Internet where you live and work could never go wrong.

4.  Walk the streets and find that amazing restaurant you forgot the name of. Use driving directions with Street View images of intersections and landmarks to get there.

This suggestion sponsored by Telstra's Next G service, which would love your dollars for wireless content. Hey, the extension to Sol's beach villa isn't going to build itself, now is it?

5.  Study the geography, vegetation and landscape of different parts of the continent, from the tropical north to the dusty outback.

QUICK! HIDE YOUR STASH, MAN! THE PIGS, THEY'RE ONTO US!

6.   Show party guests where the venue is, or teammates where the weekend sportsground is.

Because that worked out so well for Corey Worthington's parents.**

7.   Looking to buy or rent a property? Take a virtual walk-through of the area to check amenities.  Save time by not going to open houses that don't meet your criteria.

And as long as Street View's cameras picked up the faces of the crack dealers that live down the street, you'll know not to buy there. What's that, you say? They're blurring faces?

And the only general public amenities that Bluescreen can think of would be public toilets, and we'd suggest that anyone who spends time looking intently at public toilets should perhaps undergo some form of therapy. Well, Bluescreen would suggest that, were it not for the fact that the Federal Government is spending your tax dollars doing exactly that.

8.   Share recommendations with friends about places to stay and how to get there.

See Northern Territory, lack of coverage thereof. Unless Google knows something about Cyclone Tracy 2: Electric Boogaloo*** that we don't, and is protecting everyone.

 9. Search for buildings which provide wheelchair access

This one puzzles Bluescreen. We get the idea, which is noble in principle, but from a flat photo that may have people, cars, chairs and other ephemera in the way, we can't say we'd be avoiding buildings based on a ramp that we probably can't see.

10. Arrange meeting spots with friends, or just familiarise yourself with a new city or a new part of town you're visiting.

See point three as to why this is a bad idea. Also, hope like heck that in the six months or more since Google's little silver hatchbacks went past that the crack dealers haven't moved in. Or moved out, if you're, say, Whitney Houston****.

Alex Kidman gazes deeply into the inane world of big tech for APC. Sometimes it gazes back.  In other words, it's satire... we take no responsibility for your kernel crashing.


*As in free trips. Bluescreen has never received so much as a sweeteened curd pudding from any PR company. Although if they're looking for original ideas, that's a really bad one. And just in case any journalists get their noses out of joint, here's the Wikipedia link for satire.
** Bluescreen promises that it won't use any more well-past-their-sell-by-date cultural references any more. Although that might not be a "core" promise.
*** Clearly, a core promise that wasn't worth the pixels it was printed on.
**** OK, so the promise WAS a lie. Would you expect anything less from a journalist?